[ Reverb10 : Day 1 : One Word ]

In a ridiculously impulsive mood, I decided to jump on board with a project called Reverb10, even though I'm 4 days late. Participants write a blog post each day in December on a prompt that is meant to make you reflect on 2010 and prepare for 2011. It's just the kind of hippy crap that I've become increasingly drawn to lately. I'll probably regret this - it's December ... Christmas is coming ... I'm so busy ... every single day?! ... am I completely nuts?! On the other hand, it will give me an impetus to write regularly, making writing a priority despite everything else that I've got going on in my life at the moment. So here we go.........

Today's theme is One Word.

The word that first came to mind when summing up 2010 so far for me is:

I baulked at first, because I've always hated that word. When I was in high school, a friend had a habit of saying, "there's no such word as 'try', you either do it or you don't do it". That used to drive me bonkers, because I've never been one for seeing things in black and white like that. You have to practice before you can be perfect, you have to start something before you can finish it. And you don't always succeed - the first time. (Or even the second or third time.)

This year I've really been trying hard. Anyone who's been reading my blog for a while knows that I have yearly goals that I try to achieve. I don't always achieve them, but I do try. Whether I succeed or (gasp!) fail, it's always a learning experience. I look back and reflect and try to do better next year. The last few years I've given myself some real whoppers - like selling my zines in a shop, for example. Even at the time I wrote them, I wondered how on earth I'd be brave enough to go through with them. But some part of me must have believed in myself enough, hoped enough, because I wrote them down anyway.

Even though I'm not succeeding yet with those big, life changing goals, I've really been trying hard this year. Trying in all senses of the word, actually. Every time that I thought about doing something brave, the voice popped up in my head: "you can't do that!" "it's/you're not good enough!" "no-one's going to like that!" "why can't I look like her?" "why can't my house look like hers?" And on, and on. It really gets quite trying after a while. I'm sure I've tested the patience of everyone around me at times. I get very exasperated with myself, too! It's a constant struggle to monitor and change that self-talk. I think of myself as basically a positive person. This stream of negativity that runs through my life - well, yes, it's part of me - a part that's deeply ingrained - but it's not all of me. It's like the skin on a custard that forms when you're not paying attention to stirring it properly. This is a very thin skin, yet it's very hard to get rid of! Enough of the metaphors and back to my original meaning for the word Trying.

I think that trying - real, true trying that spirals closer into succeeding every time it circles around - needs to be given the credit that all that struggle and persistence deserves. Because one day, trying transforms into succeeding, into completing, into satisfaction.

And I'm supposed to think of one word that I'd like to be able to use this time next year to sum up 2011. I've already used that word in this blog post. The word is:

Brave.

Grrrrr!