Why do I go into a flap every time I sell something on my Etsy [shop closed] and then procrastinate like crazy until the Guilt Monster swallows me up and I fail my ridiculously high standards and the parcel doesn't get sent for *GASP* 4 whole days!! Why do I find that unacceptable?
Why did it take me nearly a year to get up the guts to ask for leave at work? Why do I have such trouble asking for what I want?
Why do I keep clinging on to things I don't really need or want anymore? Like the two cupboards-full of yarn that I know deep down inside that I'll never use up? They're clogging up space so much in our hobby room that I don't have room to do things I really want to do.
Why do I write notes when I send my orders saying, "I hope you like it"? They bought it for a reason, didn't they? I should be writing, "you're probably gonna like it because I think it's great!" I appreciate all those wonderful shoppers so much - thank you! I should appreciate myself a bit more, though.
Why do I use the word "should" so much?
Why do I spend so much time on the computer looking at other people's creativity and so little exploring my own? And why does the Guilt Monster yell at me about that, too?
Why do I spend so much time curled up into a big, tight Stress Ball when I'm pretty sure I know enough about myself to know how to uncurl from it?
Why do I act more like my real self at work than I do with my friends? Am I the only person in the world to be in this situation or what?
Why don't I seem to manage to drink 2 litres of water every day?
Why aren't I Naturally Slender yet??
Why does it even matter?
Why have I had Bad Romance by Lady GaGa, but sung in the voice of Olive Oyl, stuck in my head for the last week? Does my brain hate me??
What's prompted all this self-reflection and scary over-sharing? Blogs!
* A while back, I subscribed to Four Rooms blog [now closed]. The writer has made it her mission to live by the old Native American concept of Four Rooms. Our lives consist of the Physical, Mental, Emotional and Spiritual, and we should endeavour to spend some time in each of these 'rooms' each day to lead a balanced life. I realised that I've been trying to do this for some time by making sure I do some exercise every day, as well as having some quiet time and some creative time. Most days I don't quite get there! But on the days that I do, I feel much better. It's helpful to me to have concrete concepts and imagery to concentrate on, so I want to adopt the Four Rooms idea to make my life more balanced.
* I found Havi at Fluent Self recently. She's all about improving herself, overcoming fears and coaching others to do the same. I love her lighthearted style and use of silly words to make the process more fun and interesting. I could probably do with some more Iguanability (accountability) and regular Chickens (check-ins) myself!
* I also like to read Hyperbole and a Half, because Allie reminds me that you can be individualist and nonsensical and a little bit crazy and you can talk about your experiences and fears and people will still love you and it's not that scary after all.
I've made a decision. I'll tell you about it in a couple of days, when I have the details sorted out.
Now here's a pretty picture to remind us all that life is colourful and really quite good:
Colorful lanterns, originally uploaded by lelandadam.