Anxiety and Being an Artist

This post could be about anxiety and doing/being anything, really.

Seeing Hedgefairy's latest vlog about her insecurities inspired me to write about it, too. I think it's important to talk about all the parts of our lives, not just the shiny or exciting parts.

I've had anxiety all my life, and I think I will probably have it for the rest of my life. I didn't know what was wrong with me until I was about 25 and was talking to a friend one day about her experiences. They were eerily similar to mine. I finally knew what was wrong. I went to my doctor and a counsellor, and things started to get better from there. Even still, I've missed out on so much because of it: things I've lost, never had nor never tried for, all because of anxiety.

Many other people have talked about what it's like to have an anxiety disorder much more eloquently than I could. To me, it's like when someone comes up behind you and scares the willies out of you. For a split second, your heart is pounding, you feel hot and sweaty, you're terrified, you think you're going to die. You want to jump up and run away. Imagine that feeling lasting for 20 minutes or more, and there's no reason why it's happening. There's no-one behind you -- it's the thoughts in your head that are scaring you. You learn, like Pavlov's dog, what situations might trigger that feeling, and you instinctively avoid them.

So what does this have to do with being an artist, or any other kind of creative? Or even a small business owner?

You need to get out there, sell yourself, promote your business, be on social media. You need to believe in what you do. You have to be able to face any problems that arise.You need to have resiliance and be prepared for failure or rejection. You need to ignore the haters. Anxiety makes all of these prospects so much more difficult and frightening than they might be otherwise. Anxiety is like a hater in your own head.

Drawing attention to myself is the last thing I want to do -- because I know it will lead to situations where my anxiety will rear its ugly head. When I posted on my blog and facebook page about my upcoming exhibition, I winced throughout the entire thing. I've told a few people I'm an artist, but not many. I'm absolutely dreading going to the opening night. Yet these are the kinds of things I will have to do if I want to live a creative life.

I've tried to arrange things so I don't feel too much stress and can go at my own pace. I made a deliberate decision not to give up my day job, so that I'm not under pressure to have an income from my art. I don't have to open an online shop straight away if I don't want to ... or at all. If I don't make art that people like and buy, it doesn't matter. And if, because of that, people don't think I'm a 'real' artist, it doesn't worry me. It just takes the pressure off even more. I also like being an archivist and don't want to give that up.

Lately I've been trying to act on my impulses more and do things before anxiety takes over and shuts down my plans. I try to think things through logically and decide if it's feasible or not based on objective reasons rather than just whether it's too scary. I'll announce some of these things soon, when they're ready (when I'm ready!).

If you're struggling with anxiety or depression, know that you're not alone. Please talk to someone about it. It will get better.