Friday, 10 December 2010

[ Reverb10 : Day 6 : Make ]

Day 6. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

It's funny you should mention that. My blog is a craft (and art) blog - I position myself as someone who makes things. Making things is part of who I am. I need to create. It's a fire in my soul, a need that never goes away.

You'd think, then, that I'd be making things all the time. But I'm not. Oh, how I wish I was! It's a source of great concern for me, sometimes even distress. I have a great urge to make something, to paint something, to write something. But RIGHT NOW I have to go to work and work all day. But RIGHT NOW I'm dead tired and I have to sleep. But RIGHT NOW I have to exercise, because I do want to lose weight, don't I? RIGHT NOW I have to go and fulfill a social obligation or do housework or go grocery shopping, etc. etc. At times I can work myself into a frenzy of frustration and anxiety. I've felt this way ever since I started working full-time, a bit over 3 years ago. I have a lot more money now, but a lot less time. Having a lot more money is reassuring, but losing all of that time is something I'm having trouble coming to terms with. It's a small consolation to be able to buy handmade products and support people who are living the dream of making full-time. But after a week of working hard every day, then flopping onto the couch exhausted every night, not having made anything, that pressure starts to build up inside me and I start to get grumpy. Mega grumpy!, as my poor boyfriend can attest.

So if I whinge that I'm feeling too anxious to drive today, and I take my knitting in the car with me in the passenger seat, it's not because I was trying to get out of driving. The fact that I needed to knit was partly what was making me anxious in the first place.

If I flip through my personal journal and nearly every entry ends with "and I have to stop now because I have to f@!!king go to work, grrr!", it's because my need to write is so strong that it conflicts disastrously with my need to be a good girl and turn up to work on time.

If I don't hear what you're saying because I have my head in the cupboard hunting through my yarn stash, or a doodle is wending its way through my head as well as onto the paper, then I'm sorry. But it's who I am.

Make. I have a confession to make. The last thing I made was Corn Dogs. I'd never had them before, so I went to the supermarket, bought some mini frankfurts, and made corn dogs. I dipped the franks in the oozing yellow batter, getting it all over my fingers, and I fried them in oil. And then I dipped them in tomato sauce and I ate 'em! On the one hand, I'm a little ashamed of eating something so unhealthy, but on the other hand, I think it's a good sign. It was like a mini creative play-date, in food form. It means my sense of child-like adventure, while sometimes forced into a corner, is still alive and kicking.

I wasn't planning to blog about the corn dogs, so I didn't take a picture of them before I nommed them. Here's an artists' (e.g. my) impression:

Not very good at digital art yet!

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